Go Tokyo Your Experience
The hidden cracks in marriage: crisis signals that are easily overlooked
A male friend around me recently went through divorce procedures, but he seems to have not fully ‘woken up’ yet. He always felt that his relationship with his ex-wife was relatively good, although there were occasional arguments and conflicts, he never thought that their marriage would come to the point of divorce. His confusion reflects many problems in marriage: seemingly calm relationships often hide deep cracks. Many times, those in power are confused, not only about their relationships with each other, but also about their true inner needs.
I recently read an article on Huffpost where I interviewed several marriage experts and discussed several seemingly unimportant but actually signs of relationship crisis. If these signs are not taken seriously, marriage may collapse silently. Here are a few common marriage warnings that everyone in an intimate relationship should be wary of.
1. Lack of conflict does not mean there are no problems
There is a saying that goes: “If I suddenly become quiet, it doesn’t mean I’m relieved, but I no longer care.” Many times, arguing is not necessarily a bad thing, it often represents caring. When you are emotionally invested in someone or a relationship, conflict is actually a way of trying to change the status quo. However, if the conflict between two people gradually decreases and they even treat each other with respect, it does not mean that the problem has been resolved. On the contrary, this may be the most dangerous signal in a relationship.
American psychologist David Narang pointed out that he has seen this phenomenon in many marital relationships: initially, wives may express anger due to emotional loss, leading to frequent conflicts between spouses. However, when the wife no longer expresses these frustrations, the husband often feels relieved, thinking that the problem has been solved. Little did they know, this silence actually foreshadowed the wife’s inner abandonment, and ultimately the marriage came to an end.
2. Each person’s wonderful life may not necessarily be independent in personality
Some partners seem to have independent personalities, living their own lives without interfering with each other, seemingly maintaining a healthy balance. However, American marriage counselor Abigail Makepeace warns that this seemingly independent lifestyle may actually have hidden problems. The more inclined two people are to live separately, the more likely it is to reflect their deepening sense of alienation. Although this may be misunderstood as a manifestation of independent living, in reality, it is the unwillingness of both parties to share each other’s lives and feelings, ultimately leading to the estrangement of the relationship.
3. Concealing secrets does not mean protecting privacy
In marriage, personal privacy cannot be ignored, but if the number of secrets gradually increases, problems may arise. Marriage counselor Marni Feuerman pointed out that privacy and secrecy are two different concepts: privacy involves personal boundaries, while secrecy implies deliberate concealment. When one or both parties begin to conceal important information from each other, it may indicate that trust in the marriage has begun to crumble. Whether out of fear of conflict or emotional avoidance, secrets can erode the emotional bond between couples.
4. Lack of discussion about the future does not mean freedom
Some partners claim that they don’t like planning for the future and feel that a casual lifestyle is more in line with their personality. However, behind this’ freedom ‘may lie the reality of unwillingness to grow together. If both spouses no longer discuss common future goals or plans, it may mean that they are too comfortable with the current situation and have lost the motivation to develop their relationship together. Makepeace points out that the lack of a shared plan may be due to a sense of complacency in the relationship, where couples lose the desire to further deepen their emotions.
5. Sharing more with friends than with partners is not protecting autonomy
If a person is unwilling to share their inner world with their partner in marriage and tends to confide in friends or colleagues, this is often a problem in intimate relationships. Feuerman believes that if you find yourself more willing to open up to the outside world and remain silent towards your partner, it may indicate problems with trust and communication in your marriage. Lack of communication will only exacerbate mutual estrangement, ultimately leading to the breakdown of the relationship.
The cracks in marriage often gradually widen unconsciously until one day they completely collapse. Many seemingly insignificant phenomena, such as lack of conflict, living separately, and keeping secrets, may indicate potential crises in marriage. Instead of waiting for problems to erupt, it’s better to pay more attention to these warnings in daily life and bravely face each other’s needs and feelings. Marriage is a journey of mutual growth between two people, and only through timely communication and mutual understanding can this relationship be sustained and stable.