Go Tokyo Your Experience
Behind the fear of marriage: What exactly is the fear?
My friend G and her boyfriend have been dating for nearly ten years, and their relationship is deep and stable. They are loyal to each other and almost never argue, making them perfect partners. However, despite their stable relationship, G had no plans to get married, which left her very confused. She mentioned to me that she has an inexplicable fear of marriage in her heart, even though she has not experienced any negative marriage experiences and her parents have a good relationship. So she fell into a contradiction: she neither wanted to get married nor wanted to break up.
The confusion of G actually represents the phenomenon of “fear of marriage” faced by many modern people. Being in love for many years but afraid of getting married seems to have nothing to do with “love or not”, but rather with the deep distrust in human nature. What makes these people fearful of marriage? Let’s explore the reasons behind it together.
Common reasons for fear of marriage: changing relationships and roles
Another friend J, when we met again after a year of marriage, earnestly advised me, “Never get married.” He told me that after getting married, he felt a significant change in his partner’s temperament, as if he had married someone completely different. He carefully counted the various problems that arose after marriage: from money distribution to family responsibilities, marriage seemed to bring an unprecedented test. His experience makes me wonder why J didn’t notice these issues during our many years of dating before marriage?
J explained that the personalities exhibited by both parties in specific roles during interactions may not be comprehensive. For example, when in love, a partner may appear to fit the image of a “girlfriend”, but once they enter marriage, the change in role brings more complex issues such as family, money, and raising children. These real-life pressures can reveal the hidden side. In other words, people may exhibit completely different behaviors and attitudes in different contexts.
The Disclosure of Personality Card: The True Test in Marriage
J’s experience made me realize that the reason why many people fear marriage is actually because they are afraid of facing that moment – when their partner’s “personality card” is revealed. Even during romantic relationships, we try to observe each other as much as possible, but some behaviors and reactions only manifest under specific pressures or situations. Marriage is precisely a moment that exposes these hidden traits, testing not only the love between two people, but also their true reactions when facing life’s difficulties.
This fear is not only a fear of the complexity of marriage, but also a deeper suspicion of human nature. We are afraid that the person who has been by our side will show a completely different side after marriage, and this transformation is often unpredictable when we are in a relationship. This uncontrollable uncertainty makes us feel at a loss about marriage.
The underlying logic of fear of marriage: distrust of human nature
Ultimately, behind the fear of marriage lies a deep distrust of human nature. This distrust is not directed towards a specific person, but rather a general suspicion of human behavior. We are afraid that once we enter into marriage, we may encounter betrayal, disappointment, or unbearable reality. And this distrust often stems from a desire for self-protection, we don’t want to get ourselves into a situation where we might get hurt.
However, does skepticism about human nature mean that we must avoid marriage? Marriage, although it brings many challenges, does not necessarily equate to pain. The essence of fear of marriage lies not in avoiding it, but in how we deal with the complexity of human nature and how we maintain ourselves in uncertainty.
Find your own choice amidst doubt and fear
The distrust of human nature is actually a fear of being hurt, and if we can be strong enough to stand up even if hurt, perhaps marriage will no longer be so frightening. Instead of constantly guessing people’s hearts and fearing their changes, it’s better to focus on personal growth. Marriage should not be a burden for us, but a part of our choices. If we can maintain enough independence and resilience, then even in the face of various changes in marriage, we can face them calmly.
Whether or not to get married is ultimately a personal choice. And what we really need to do is not to avoid marriage, but to become strong enough to withstand the various uncertainties in life. Only in this way can we truly have the right to choose marriage and life, rather than being influenced by fear.
Fear of marriage is not necessarily because we don’t love each other, but because we are afraid of losing control over each other in marriage. Changes in marriage are inevitable, but they do not necessarily mean pain. If we can let go of our obsession with a perfect relationship, accept the uncertainty in life, and maintain inner resilience, then whether we choose to get married or not, we can find our own happiness from it.
How would you face the uncertainty in marriage? Should we choose to escape or embrace the challenge?